Mean Time Between Success

It the world of manufacturing hardware there is a rating called Mean Time Between Failure or MTBF. This is a big number that is supposed to represent the length of time before a component will fail but it turns out to represent the lengths they will go to use statistics to confuse the average consumer.

For example, the DVD player I bought a few years ago was rated at 400,000 hours between failures. That means it will last 45 years, but the problem is; there were no DVD players 45 years ago, so how can they honestly make that prediction? Now I have a new Blue-Ray player that is rated for 1.5Million hours, which means I have to wait 171 years to find out if they are lying~! Talk about bogus claims that cannot be proven, that takes the cake.

I wonder why do they call it the “Mean” time between failures? If everything is running well it should be the “Nice” time between disasters. The other point of confusion is the “between” part of the formula which implies that there has to be an original failure before you can measure the time in between failures. That is one too many deaths for most parts.

It’s OK to use this method to measure mechanical devices but human beings can’t stand to be measured by their failures alone so we need a better scale that counts how often things go right. After all it seems somewhat negative to only evaluate the frequency of failures when we all want the world to hear about our successes. So let’s invent the new measurement for Mean Time Between Success.

The MTBS is really just another way for people to ask ourselves and each other, “What have you done for me lately”. It all comes down to how we measure success. I say every pay day is fruitful, every Holiday is eventful and every Friday should be fun. So my MTBS is never more than 6 Days.

George the Pet Porcupine

It may sound a little hard to believe but we really did have a pet porcupine when I was a kid. We came around the corner one October night and saw a dead porcupine in the road. When we stopped to move it out of the way there were two five inch long newborns still alive. We took them home but only one survived to be nursed back to life and we raised him in a pen outside our back door.

As a baby we could easily handle the little fellow and the quills were more like fur that would lay down in a certain direction everywhere except the tail where the quills were smaller and came out at all angles and would stick even with the lightest touch. We never actually house trained the animal but we would bring him into the house regularly for extended play periods on the carpet and as he grew older the number of loose quills that came out during play increased but we never got poked too bad.

There came a time when George was full grown but still young enough to let us pick him up and he even went to school for show and tell. He had a good nature and would play with us on the floor running back and forth between us like a clumsy dog with bad, bad hair. He even went so far as to act playfully with the dog but as he got older his interactions became less playful and more unpredictable.

It finally got to the point where we could no longer pick him up, not so much because of the quills compared to his growling and scratching. By then it was no longer comfortable and we no longer felt like clever animal trainers without his co-operation. At night we could hear him whining and scratching to get out of his pen and the joy of Exotic pet ownership was gradually turning into the realization that we should probably let him go. It was late summer, we had him less than a year but it was clear that his domestic life was over so we deliberately left the cage open day and never saw him again.

Later on we went through a similar cycle with a coyote pup that my Dad brought home one night on his way back from teaching at the prison. That Coyote was a great pet for the first 6 months and then in less than a week he matured into a vicious creature who could not be contained and left on his own before the authorities could catch him. It was still painful to lose a friend and pet like that but after George we knew better than to get too invested. I don’t even remember the Coyote’s name, but I sure do remember wrestling with George before he turned into a wild animal.

Migrating Tarantulas

I first encountered Migrating Tarantulas when I worked on the Railroad out of Ravendale in the northeast corner of California. One day we found a single spider walking down the tracks as if had got stuck trying to climb over. Then further on we saw another and then a few more and before long there was a veritable herd of these big spiders crawling along the rail looking for a way to cross. We got up enough nerve to catch a half a dozen specimens in a spike barrel and took them back to town where the local Science Teacher was glad to have them but quick to point out that they all were males as the females don’t have to migrate. So it really wasn't a migration, it was more like a bunch of single guys out looking for a date.

Before that, I thought I knew all about Tarantulas starting as a young kid with Tarzan movies where Tarantulas were only found in the jungle. Then later on the Discovery channel I learned that all the large spiders were found in exotic climates so imagine my surprise when I discovered they lived right there in my own back yard. This is high desert country, very dry and arid, way up at 5,000 feet elevation and not much to eat for a tropical insect. Most of all I wondered what did those poor creatures do all winter when the ground is covered with snow and how could they survive those freezing temperatures.

The second encounter was while driving back from Reno years later when we suddenly came upon a bunch of miniature tumbleweeds that were rolling across the road in slow motion. Even though I should have recognized them it didn’t dawn on me until the car slowed down enough to recognize those mini- tumbleweeds were really spiders. It was like a bad Science Fiction movie from the ‘50’s where it was hard to believe there could be that many animals in such a sparse environment.

With all due respect to Dave Barry, wouldn’t Migrating Tarantulas make a great name for a Rock Band~!?

Claims and Grievances

My career as an elected Official started as the Union Representative for the Brotherhood Of Maintenance of Way Employees Union back in the early ‘70’s, first as Secretary Treasurer for the Western District out of Weed California and later as District Chairman for the Eastern District out of Oakridge Oregon.

The union job didn’t pay any extra, it was non-gratis, but I always insisted there was some “Glory” to go along with the duties and that was the extra incentive. In truth I was the only one who could read and write it was more de-facto than popularity that got me elected. But it was a perfect fit since I was a nosey cuss by nature and the union guy gets to know everyone’s business and what better way to gain access to all those transcripts and records.

The three main functions to perform were: collecting dues; filing claims and grievances; attending hearings and dismissals. The dues was pure dirty work in the early days but it was all payroll deduction by the end. The claims and grievances were mostly requests for overtime that went to a junior employee or complaints of mistreatment according to the written “Union Agreement” book that everyone carried.

The hearings were the most entertaining, covering a large number of drug and alcohol violators but it included punishment for other infractions such as crashing a truck, getting injured, or otherwise damaging company property. One time I even had to go to the local news channel to get film footage of their coverage at a train derailment on a bridge where all 13 workers on the gang were fired in one fell swoop. They all ended up getting their back pay but it took years of appeals.

The funny part was that I got elected because I was such a hard worker they were sure I would work just as hard for the union and I did but they all assumed I would stop working so hard during the day and start acting like a lazy dog so I could be the union rep after hours. They were sorely disappointed to find that I kept working as hard as ever during the day at work.

Once I quit the Railroad that was the end of my political ambitions and I started to pursue on an honest career but I did come away with the idea that elected officials should have to work for free so we know their heart is in it and not just their bankbook.

Governance Risk and Compliance

Governance, Risk and Compliance or GRC is another business process that does not quite match how we live our day to day lives. In the real world we live by laws (Governance) and if we get caught breaking laws we get punished (Risk), and then we promise to be good again (Compliance). In the Business world they get off easier. First, they get to write their own rules and then they hire their own Auditors who are always nice when it comes to the punishment.

In our industry the Governance is called ISO9000 and you can’t do business without it so everyone gets Audited, no exceptions. It all starts with a written document of what the Company promises to do and then another document to prove they did what they said in the first document. If they don’t match the Auditor declares a violation and you have to change the documents.

Here is a real world example of the changes in my Backup document.

2000 Version 1: Tapes will be shipped off site every Tuesday.

2002 Version 2: Tapes will be shipped offsite once a week.

2005 Version 3: Tapes will be shipped offsite once a month.

2008 Version 4: Tapes will be shipped offsite as needed.

2010 Version 5: Tapes have been replaced by hard drives

Each of these revisions was the result of a failed Audit where I had missed a Tuesday or we decided to decrease our frequency to save costs. I wish we had made it generic from the beginning but we had to learn the hard way.

In the Business world the Governance is self determined, they get to write their own rules, in the real world the Governance has more bite and we don’t get to write our own laws. In the business world the Risk is all monetary but in real life the Risk is all too real. In the business world the Compliance is voluntary but in real life Compliance is enforced with a heavy hand.

When it comes to enforcement in the Business world, it seems they get away with more money for less punishment compared to the real world where criminals serve more time for stealing less money.

Sierra Safari’s and Taxidermy

When I was a kid living way out on the shores of Lake Almanor in Northern California my Dad hung a sign out in front of our house advertising his second career. Being a School Teacher left the summers free to act as a guide on fishing and hunting trips with our various visiting friends and relatives. After a while word got out and there were too many requests to keep up with so he had to open a business of sorts to manage the schedules and take their money with a clear conscience. So Dad became an officially Licensed Guide and our house became a Sportsman’s destination specializing in Archery Hunting and Fly Fishing. After a while word of mouth spread through the medical community and the customer list was soon exclusively composed of well to do Doctors from the Bay Area.

As a 10 year old I was too young to get a hunting license unlike my older brothers who were 12 and 14 so they got to go out with the hunters while I was relegated to lesser duties. The best part was acting as the designated deer spotter on top of the jeep. Now it was well known in our family that I didn’t have the best vision on account of having two surgeries to improve my astigmatism, but I was an Eagle-Eye wizard compared to those city slickers and it always turned into a comedy as I would press the buzzer to stop the rig while pointing to the deer standing in the brush only a few yards away. The poor customers rarely saw the deer until they ran away and by then it was too late to get a good shot. Then we would drive around the next bend and find more deer standing there invisible to the good Doctors.

I was old enough for all the fishing assignments which included everything from fly fishing up and down the river to spending all day baiting hooks from the boat or lakeshore. It was all old hat to us kids but it was pure magic to those flat-landers and we almost felt bad for getting so much credit where none was due. One of our favorite fishing trips including overnight camping at Hidden Lakes high up near the tree line where the snow stays until late June. My greatest accomplishment was making it back down to the truck and back to camp in 45 minutes to arrive just at dark with the forgotten tent. I had a flashlight but was determined not to use it. I’m not saying I got scared but I ended up with enough adrenaline that day to make me remember the trip in detail to this very day.

Some people may find all that killing quite morbid especially the Taxidermy part but it was all in a days’ work back in the 1960’s.

There is No Such Thing as Zero

There was a time when the number zero was unknown to us. Then we got smart enough to invent the number zero. Everyone agreed we must be smarter now that we have this new number that really isn't a number at all but instead is just a "place holder". The number zero served us well back when we first learned to count but it is now time for us to abandon the zero as a child will abandon the tricycle and then later the training wheels on their bike. The number Zero has had a long and glorious history and we should mark down its place with honor as long as we accept that there must be an end to this nonsense so we can move on to the next level. Along with the Dinosaurs, the Horse Drawn Carriage and the Phone Pager, we can abandon this archaic device. We don't need no zero now. Here are my proofs.

Let's talk dollars: If you have one and then you don't, it doesn't feel like zero dollars, it feels like negative one. There is no such thing as zero.

Let's talk apples. You want some for a pie and you don't have any yet but your dream pie does. You never had zero with all those apples gleaming in your eye.

Let's not talk apples. If you don't have any apples, and we are not talking about apples, it doesn't feel like zero apples because there are no apples to begin with. Zero would be too many apples in this case. As soon as we talk about apples, the very absence or presence makes the total a non-zero number. It is simply not possible to stop in between positive and negative values. There either is, or is not. The existence of a Twilight Zone in the middle requires an alternate universe that none of us have ever or will ever see.

Let's talk people. Can you be zero years old? At birth? At conception? Is there a moment just before or just after that is somehow long enough to allow a third condition? The answer should be no. No matter how we measure, there is only before and after but not even one single instant can exist between or we would all be stuck there forever and beyond.

Why do I berate the poor lowly zero so much? My main complaint is the confusion with the alphabet character with the same visual image we call "Oh". To confuse things further we interchange the "Oh" sound for both the number and the letter. Not only does the number dilute the market price of the letter, but it should have its own icon rather than borrow one already in use. Then to top it off they put these two characters next to each other on the keyboard in order to maximize the possibility that mistakes will be made. How many times has the number not added up due to it being a Capitol OH instead of the number zero. They look the same, why not agree to put a strike through one or the other?

Yes, there was a time when we needed this crutch to prop up our fledgling intellect but now we are ready to think on our own two feet and prepare to run ahead to our next goal in the race for knowledge. What once was our central pivot is now our only anchor and it's time to cut the line and sail away. The real benefit will be in the computer world where we deal exclusively with 1’s and 0’s. Imagine the savings if we can banish half the traffic. We should all tell the internet to, “Stop sending any more zero’s!” Just think how fast the web will be when we only have to send the ones.