The Expanding Innerverse

By now most everyone has heard the theory of the expanding universe and while that is a good start toward finally understanding how things work, it turns out the poor scientists are missing the rest of the story and thankfully they have yours truly to reveal the truth at last. Fortunately I am not restrained by the scientific method and am free to use science fiction in proving my theories. Hollywood notwithstanding, here is my latest discovery. It's not just the universe that is expanding but also everything in it, including us human beings right on down to the distance between the electrons and the protons in all our various atoms.

Pause to think; of course it must be true everywhere, how can it only be true in outer space? If we were to stay the same size here on Earth while the rest of the cosmos continues to grow then the distant stars would disappear in a day or two. The fact is we are almost keeping up with the rest of the universe in the expansion process, they just got a big head start on the project.

It is also quaint for us to think we are in charge of everything and that we are somehow exempt from the laws that apply to all the rest of the particles. Just as we once thought our planet was the center of our solar system we are just as naïve to think we can see our expanding universe all the way back to the beginning of time. The further out in space we look is supposed to be further back in time until we finally see the big bang but then wouldn’t things be getting closer together instead of further apart? The only way to see the big bang is by looking inward, not outward, so what we think is looking back in time out in deep space is actually looking ahead.

There never was a big bang in the past, that is just an optical illusion of what is yet to come. It’s quite a shame we don't understand our own inner universe as well as we do the outer one. If there really is a bang that big it would obviously represent the END of the universe not the beginning. We are spinning headlong into space toward the breaking point where our molecules are finally stretched to the limit and we all snap apart into our individual bits and pieces which will look exactly like the beginning of something big and bangy. So we have that to look forward to, unless of course, once again; I could be wrong.

No Way To Run A Government

One of the curious aspects of working on the Railroad was the one of a kind Retirement system . Anyone who works longer than 10 years for any Railroad qualifies for Railroad Retirement which is completely separate from Social Security. Any workers who also had jobs that fall under Social Security are subject to a two tiered formula for calculating just how much the retiree will receive from the two different pension funds.

You might wonder why it is so complicated and root cause goes back to the early 1900's when the US government went looking for a good model to copy while creating a retirement system for the whole country that later became Social Security. Talk about government intrusions, they were trying to force people to be comfortable in their old age.

The Railroad retirement system already had so much money they were able to loan money to the Government system in the 1930's when times got tough and therein lies the beginning of the two tier payback formula.

It wasn't the first time our Government looked to the Railroad Carriers for a template on how to do business. They also copied the Railroad Labor act of 1926 as the model of how to treat the average employee. Back then they weren't considered Union workers, they were just called Government workers, but they were still better off than the average Union worker.

Talk about the US Congress butting into other folks business, they actually passed a law forcing the Carriers to provide certain basic benefits to employees. And what was the very first and foremost of these requirements? Water. It literally took an act of Congress to prove to the world that the workers deserved to have some water to drink.

Later on the demands evolved into more luxurious items such as better wages, overtime, and even paid time off so pretty soon all the workers turned into a bunch of lazy no goods, in the eye of the Company. Sure some workers have a good deal and some few have set a bad example but they are are not all crooks.

So the next time it seems like some union worker is asking for too much then please help decide just how much is too little. Do they at least get some water?

Off to work I go

Every morning before I head out the door on my way to work I have to sing a little song to make sure I remember all my required accoutrements. It goes like this: “Keys, Watch, Wallet, Work-ID, Cell Phone, Blue-tooth, Glasses and Briefcase”. There is no specific tune for the song other than a monotonous la-dee-da-dee-daw… the whole point being to mark the items off the checklist.

This habit came about as the result of many years of forgetfulness and even though I live only a few minutes away from work it still ruins the day when I forget. Every time I ever start to fall out of the habit of singing this little reminder I find myself at work without one of the listed items and soon enough I am singing that same old tune again.

I must have always had a bad memory because I have always had a checklist before I left the house. As a kid all I needed was my pocket knife. Later I got a wallet and that started the first simple list: “Knife and Wallet”. When I got a car I added keys to the list. Then my first day on the Railroad I had to add a hard hat and lunch box: “Keys, Wallet, Knife, Hardhat and Lunchbox.”

When I first started working on the Railroad life was simple but every time I got promoted I had to add more stuff to the list. After I got to be a machine operator I had to get special Railroad approved watch and there was punishment for not having the watch. When I became a Foreman I had to carry a Timebox, a big heavy metal suitcase for protecting important papers along with the two-way Radio for calling the dispatcher. So then the song went: “Keys, Watch, Wallet, Lunchbox, Pocket Knife, Timebox, Hardhat, Radio.”

As the years went by the number of keys kept going up, the wallet got thicker with IOU’s instead of cash and the pocket knife kept getting upgraded every year to the latest Swiss Army version so even though I wasn’t adding any more items to the list, the list of items was still getting bigger none the less. Then I switched over to the Hi-Tech career path and the list started changing again. Here was the longest list of all back in the ‘90’s. “Keys, Watch, Wallet, Glasses, Work-ID, Doorcard, Radio, Pager, Pocket Knife, Cell Phone, Blue Tooth, Brief Case, Lunchbox.”

Then things started to reduce when the Doorcard got integrated into the Work-ID, the Pager went obsolete, the pocket knife morphed into a Penknife, the Radio was replaced by a cell-phone, the Timebox turned into a Briefcase and the watch was no longer needed with a smartphone around. The number of keys on the ring is going down and the wallet is lighter than ever these days.

Someday in my future the list will evolve back into a simple few things; wake up, look down, zip-up. In the end there will be nothing left on the list and no way to know if I forgot something.

Civil War Story – Chapter 4: Mustard

Someone stole my whiskey and cigars! These, my two dearest companions, alcohol and tobacco, now ripped from their safe hiding place in the back of my wagon. All this right under my very nose while I was arguing with the Colonel. My first reaction was to yell at the soldiers but that wouldn't help so I bit my tongue and waited to see just how mad I should get.

This was not the first robbery of my goods when less than a week before someone got away with my supply of mustard. I can barely stand to eat the corned beef and other rancid meat even with the mustard but without any makes me want the whiskey and cigars all the more again. That mustard came all the way from New Orleans and there won't be another batch in stock any time soon.

I couldn’t decide which I missed most, the whiskey, the cigars or the mustard. I had to go a few days with no whiskey or cigars the last time the military blocked our tracks and that was when I first started stocking it away at the depots. Going without drink and smoke can be irritating but going without my favorite food can be downright painful.

So I set a trap for my tormentor and sure enough on the fourth night he came again while I was hiding under a blanket behind the door. As soon as he crawled past me in the dark I pulled the hammer back on my pistol and lit a match at the same time both within inches of his head before he had time to gasp.

He was dressed in dirty brown canvas from his floppy hat clear to his shoes all the same material and condition. He didn't look like any soldier I had ever seen him before but I had the drop on him this time and figured I should let him have it and finally get my first kill.

In the last three days I had seen two cases of senseless killing that had transformed a murderer into a hero and I had assumed I could benefit by joining their club but now that the chance was here I couldn't remember why I felt that way.

I suddenly remembered killing my first deer with a gun at the age of 8 and how I missed my first shot but not my second. My hand was shaking now just as it had back then and I was starting to wonder if I would need two shots again when the culprit turned his head my way.

His eyes were looking back at me and I had a instant feeling as if I knew him. I didn't know his name and I had never seen his face before but I knew he was just like me had once killed his first deer and was now wondering if I would miss my first shot again.

That moment of hesitation turned into forever as I sat frozen watching him slowly back his way out of the wagon as he disappeared into the night. I argued with myself why I couldn’t kill and I argued back to myself that I work for the B&O Railroad and I am no soldier and it's OK that I can't kill. I had expected to brag and benefit from the proof of my killing prowess but instead I never did mention the episode to anyone.

Later on at Chancellorsville that same gun would have no trouble sending a fatal bullet that would find the Colonel without error and I would look back and wonder why it would not kill tonight.

Life Analogies

Forrest Gump's Mom says life is like a box of chocolates and that is a great analogy for a while but after a while a person gets tired of chocolates and yet life still goes on so we have to find something else to compare with life.

There are many existing cliché's where life is like an elevator always going up and down or like a roller coaster and we can’t wait to get off. Life is like a coin, don’t spend it flipping out. Life is like a bad movie, or a good movie whichever fits the situation. Life is just an excuse for paying taxes. Life is like a cakewalk, or a grindstone depending on our mood or the weather.

Life could be like a reality show on TV called Needle In A Haystack. Each contestant will approach the problem with a different strategy and energy level. Some would use the Gorilla logic where they roll around until they get poked while the magnet men will fish for success and the less energetic will whittle away by nibbling one straw at a time.

My favorite analogy for life is a sandcastle building contest. A sandcastle requires constant attention and even then it will fall apart at the slightest whim of the elements. The wind, the high tide and even time alone will tear down the strongest sandcastle and the players must rebuild and refine their skill in the process.

Each person’s sand castle represents their philosophy in life. Some people just turn the bucket over and wait to see how long it takes to turn flat again. Others go for height at any cost and end up wasting their efforts with inevitable avalanches. Then there are those who build in the ranch style and want to overtake as much beach as they can reach.

In the end it is not the castle that matters, it’s the not the actual structure that we remember as much as the fun we had building it and the feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day that tells the story of how we feel about life.

Even if we are sick and tired of building castles in the sand we must still find a way to make life fun. Of course real life is not always like a day at the beach, that's why we need handy life analogies so we can compare the bad times to something better.

Railroad Series: Chapter 12 - In The Clear

One of the few important duties that might fall on the Assistant Foreman was getting time on the radio. This involves calling the Central Dispatcher to request permission to place our Maintenance locks on the two switches at either end of our worksite. The Foreman usually does this but he asked me to do it since the Dispatcher was still mad from yesterday when we were 25 minutes late due the spike driver breaking down and we had to finish by hand.

The Dispatcher gave us two hours to finish and made it known that we wouldn’t get any time tomorrow if we were late again today. I promised to be in the clear on time. According to the official Book of Rules we are supposed to use the full phrase "Clear of the right of way" when the work is complete but after several Official hearings on the matter it was decided that all that’s required is the word "Clear".

I had fifteen minutes to get from the far end of the job site back to the nearest switch, remove the lock and make it back before calling the Dispatcher. The Foreman had the small pickup heading in the opposite direction which left me with the big 20 Man Gang Truck to go the mile and half and back again. It was a narrow steep road with sharp curves and the old gang truck had trouble making it around those corners at anything over minimum speed. Everyone else on the gang knew that critical fact except the new Assistant Foreman. As I careened along the roller coaster road at full speed I was checking the radio, finishing my lunch and planning even further ahead when I hit the sharpest corner and the old clunker bounced up once and froze in mid-air with the trailer hitch high centered on the dirt bank.

The back wheels were dangling in the air and I was busy calculating how long I had to get unstuck and still make it in time. I was already giving up on returning to the job site and decided I would call the dispatcher from the siding as soon as I remove the lock from the switch. Several solutions ran through my mind, call for help, try running on foot, call the Dispatcher and tell him I'm late, give up and have a cigarette...but first I must try my best to make it through unassisted.

I took a track jack out of the back of the truck and managed to move the bumper just enough to make the wheels touch the road again but every time I would get in the cab to drive away the jack would slip and the truck would end up stuck again. With one last look at my watch I decided I would be just as guilty if I was stuck on the other side of the road as this one.

Then I threw all caution to the wind like a young 21 year old might do and I put that old beater in 2nd gear and went back behind to start work with the track jack while the wheels were humming along in mid-air and as soon as those wheels hit the road away went the truck and the jack and me all together heading sideways back down the hill but at the last moment a well-placed stump stepped in and held the jack still which finally forced the truck out in the road where it slowly started chugging up the hill.

I hobbled over and got in the cab just in time to barely miss another truck coming around the corner looking for me but it was too late and the world would never know of my near mistake. I made it to the switch and removed the lock with barely a minute to spare before calling the Dispatcher to let him know we were "In The Clear". I spent the next three days with a sore knee from bob sledding with that track jack which is probably still imbedded in that stump to this day.

Systems Analyst Series – Chapter 4: How to be a Systems Analyst

Here are the tricks of the trade for the Systems Analyst.

Be The Machine

Seriously, get in the server room and touch those servers. Listen to them for whining fans or clicking drives. Smell for the lingering odor of the telltale burnt component. See that red light on Rack #5? That could mean something… Take the temperature in the server room, check the humidity and overall weather conditions to prevent runaway heat or loss of AC.

Monitor and Alert

There are a number of free monitoring and alert tools that will send an email, text message, phone call or turn a web page red to let you know there is a problem with any piece of equipment. In the old days we would get a page when a server was down but now we use smart phones instead. My favorite alerting software is called bigbrother which morphed into hobbit which had to change its name to xymon:http://sourceforge.net/projects/xymon/ At least this one is free and just as good as the expensive solutions.

Be Flexible

Sometimes you have to be physically flexible while working in tight spots behind the racks in the server room or sorting out cables under the user’s desk but the most common flexibility is interacting with other users. You have to open your calendar to accommodate any time, open you heart to engage with any user and open your mind to facilitate any scenario. Like the chameleon who matches the background the Analyst must fit in with all groups from the temps, to the execs or anyone in between. It helps to know a little about every group.

Be There

My cube is on the corner of First and Main and people always say I should move to a corner cube but my location says I am open for business and stop in any time. I could demand my own time and space but it seems like a cliché to be the grouchy old computer guy and this is not the season for being hard to work with, especially for us baby boomers.

Mess around with Stuff

It might seem counterintuitive but you need to break things on purpose so you get exposed to the error messages and solutions. If you are afraid of breaking things then you are a bad analyst. Anyone can break things and not feel bad about it; they are called regular users. The only thing that separates an Analyst from a regular user is the Analyst feels bad about it and wants to fix it as fast as possible. The regular user rarely realizes just how bad it's broken to begin with.

Be Picky

It's only natural for an Analyst to be a picky person. They can't help looking for faults and vulnerabilities. In everything. But don't get the idea that they are omnipotent or all observing because they are selective about what they scrutinize. What do you expect from a picky bastard?

Ignore Things

The other primary instinct of the average Analyst is knowing when to ignore things. You can't look at everything so it's really a matter of looking past most things to find the real rub. No sense chasing after wild geese when the cooked goose will come home to roost soon enough. So the next time you see a Systems Analyst looking all spaced out it might be their best work of the day.

Be Real

You might think an analyst would be clever and sharp but if they had those qualities they would get a better job. Instead you have those people who couldn't quite concentrate hard enough to be a real engineer. Like a Minor League player who never makes it to the Big League, they love to play, but not the pay, which is never enough.