Cat King Cool

Cats are king, cats are cool.
They make dogs look the fool.

Cats all rock, that’s the facts

Yeah they rule, just ask the rats.

Meet Cat King Cool, He’s nobody’s fool

He loves his snacks, and sometimes hacks

He’s the cat who’s king, he’s the number one thing,

He’s the coolest cat; Cat King Cool

When the new kitten started jumping on the laptop keyboard it was cute so I learned to lock the keyboard just in time so he could lay there and soak up the warmth from above and below. As he got older he would sneak up there when I was away but before the screen saver could kick in and he would end up typing on an open computer. The first few time it was just nonsense in a word doc or a folder of files or email deleted here or there but nothing too alarming compared to his cute companionship. Then one time I come to find a string of gibberish in the run command dialogue box and instead of hitting cancel I went ahead and hit enter when to my surprise it brought up an Easter egg showing a little movie with the software writers having a party. That is the kind of secret cookie that only programmers and hackers can find. I wrote it off as an anomaly and let it go for another few months while the cat did nothing more serious than opening 7000 instances of Free-Cell.

Well that got me to thinking about that old adage where a bunch monkeys could write every book in the world if you just gave them enough time, typewriters and bananas. As a kid I doubted they could even write Dick & Jane after a billion years but I had a lot of fun imagining all those monkeys and typewriters and bananas. The logistics would be incredible, just changing the typewriter ribbons would be a full time job for a large number of skilled technicians.

So I figured that old theory could be updated with computers and cats taking the place of the typewriters and monkeys. I felt we had a great chance for success based on my recent cat computing experiences. It was a noble experiment in animal behavior and I let that cat start out simple with harmless attempts at original works of art but he only wanted to run e-Bay scams and Twitter gaming cons, and the next thing I know he's running a Face Book impersonation that soon evolved into full fledged malware attacks.

It wasn’t long after that I get a call from the FCC saying I have been sending suspicious emails to Asia and it better stop soon or else. I checked and sure enough there in my outbox are a handful of cat scratch emails at times that match the recent kitty hacking activity. I know I should have turned off the computer or at least made some other effort at a failsafe workaround to prevent future incidents, but as a scientific observer I couldn't resist finding out what he would do next. There was a higher purpose at work here.

The last straw was waking up to find $6,000,000 in the checking account with an entry calling it Nigerian Lottery Winnings. Before I could even start celebrating the door was broken down by armed thugs that either work for the government or some evil mad scientist but I was too busy hiding my other paraphernalia to notice what they were doing and by the time I got back from flushing in the bathroom they were all gone including my cat and the computer. And the $6 million dollars… Sure I miss the money but man I really miss that cat.

Nosey Parkers

I first came across this phrase while working with my counterparts in Canada when I found they all had a folder in their home with a variation of the name such as:

noZparker.not

noparkering

stay-out-you-nosy-parker

With a quick internet search I soon found many historical references to this derogatory nickname that covers everything from busybody up to capitol murder and anything in between.

In addition to the old fashion Nosey Parkers who should mind their own business I have discovered a new breed that deserves the same name with a different twist, the people who park their cars with the nose half way across the sidewalk. They must be worried about some car hitting them in the butt but that hardly ever does happen in the real world and the price is paid by the poor pedestrian who can’t get around all those hood ornaments adorning the sidewalks around town. It might make sense at 7-11 but Wal-Mart?

Some people think they need to touch the curb with the tires. This may be loosely based on the idea of parking on a hill with the tire turned into the curb but in a flat parking lot it is not necessary. Some people will force the tire to touch the curb at all costs in spite of obvious damage to the license plate and bumper. But even when there is plenty of clearance why would it be necessary to take up most of the side walk? They must have to use that same sidewalk to get in the same building. I try to find the silver lining of the situation with a scientific appreciation of the bug collection in the radiator grill.

I myself am a frequent parker and though I love to complain about other people’s parking skill and lack thereof, I equally hate having to admit that I am guilty too when it comes to bad parking. One can only assume the Nosy Parkers of the world know what they are doing and don’t need a lecture or good advice. Even if they are unaware of their crime how can we tell them without being a Nosey Parker in return. In fact the real nosy parker in all of this is the one who declared the cheese was cut in the first place.

15 Centimeters of Fame

As an Aspiring Artist and Wannabe Writer I am always looking for places to practice or display my work. One such place is the little whiteboard in the break room ( it is gray in color actually) where we fill in the status report for the ongoing coffee project. This miniature billboard is split in two with decaf on the left and regular on the right and the whole point being to put the day and time of the last brew so we can know how old it is. Wouldn’t want to throw out anything fresh or worse yet accidentally drink last night’s leftovers.

Because we never bother to change the time, it is perpetually set at 8am so the only info that changes is the day and this is in the abbreviated form of Mon, Tue, Wed etc… So there it is, my three letter marquee where people can read my latest writing or view my latest art, depending on my mood when I post. I go from calligraphy to swirly font and even tried a foreign language, Spanish, but stick with the basics for the most part.

M – T – W – Th – F …feeling lazy

t T * ( = …feeling cryptic

It is not a big deal, in fact everything about it is small. The area on the board is small because it is surrounded by further instructions that have faded in time but still restrict the actual size of the area in which to work. The potential audience is very small because there are only 70 people in the office and they don’t all go to the kitchen and of those only a few will take the time to read the coffee news. But in spite of those limitations I still manage to make the most of that recurring art show and find myself spending a few moments now and then imagining future works.

So it must be a big deal only for me. But we take what we can get in life eh? . If I squeeze the letters together I can get a fourth letter in there like these:

Moon – Tooz – Wenz – Thuz - Friz

Mony – Tuey – Wedy - Thry - Friy

I was going to condense the letters even further so it can go up to five characters per day but then I realized that would be more writing than I am willing to commit to.

Watershed Lockjaw

Every once in a while I have a great day. Out of the blue everything comes together and all those old pending problems suddenly get resolved for no obvious reason and it seems like everything falls into place as if by magic. It’s nice to have a pleasant surprise. I call these the Watershed days. Not the watershed out back where parents used to administer punishment, this is the figurative watershed where everything gets washed and cleaned leaving a fresh start. It could be as simple as someone saying something nice and reducing the overall negativity in the world or it could be as complicated as solving a long ongoing technical problem but the watershed days all leave a good feeling and hope for the future.

But for every watershed day there are other days that are on the other end of the spectrum. I call them Lockjaw days. Lockjaw days have multiple problems popping up out of nowhere with no obvious causes or easy solutions and it ends up looking like the moon and the stars are aligned against me. It seems like nothing will work and computers are locking up, the network is dragging and before long my jaw is clenched in a vice grip where I can barely talk. Everything starts to freeze up from all the computers to the hearts of all the co-workers, there is a chill all around on the Lockjaw days.

Luckily most days are just average and I manage to muddle through but every time I start to wish for another Watershed day I always end up canceling the order because I know it will just lead up to another Lockjaw day to balance the universe so I am willing to settle for normal most of the time.

Laborer Dog

Every new Railroad Maintenance of Way Employee is assigned a Seniority Roster number on the day they are hired. This Laborers Date is the common denominator for all employees. Everyone goes on to get qualified on the various machines or they move up the management track to become Foreman or Roadmaster but they all start with a Laborer’s Date that determines their place in line.

This seniority date is always referred to as the Laborer’s Date. No one ever asks “When did you hire out?”, or “What’s your seniority date?”, it is always; “What’s your Laborer’s Date”. The reason this is so important has to do with an obscure Union ritual known as bumping.

Bumping is an unbelievably bizarre result of the Union implementation of the Seniority Roster at any cost resulting in chain reaction of bumping as each person finds someone to displace every time there is a layoff. So it is the Laborers Date that determines who can bump who when times get tough as they do every winter when the Production Gangs get laid off and everyone scrambles to find a spot on a Section Gang in the maddening game of musical chairs played out up and down the line.

The term Laborer Dog is used with equal amounts of affection and derision depending on who is aiming or receiving the insult or compliment as the case may be, but it could be used on anyone all the way from the biggest Bigshot on down to the newest wannabe, because they all have that one thing in common.

Some people had a hard time going back to their starting position and would spend more time complaining about the work than actually working but the rest of us found a way to make it pay. And to this day I still respect any one working hard for a living and I am always proud to think of myself as a Laborer Dog.

The Railroader’s Lament

I’m a Trackman sure, there ain’t no cure, I’ve got curve grease in my veins.

I can’t stay away so I go every day, with sore knees and knuckles and lower back pains.

All day I stare at the rails glare , I dream about cross ties at night.

And before I’m through I promise you, I’ll put up a hell of a fight.

The pick and the shovel, the maul and the level, these are the tools of my trade.

The jack and the tongs, the Railroad Songs, of this is what I am made.

I always likes to drive some spikes, my arms measure perfect gage.

There ain’t much dough, and somehow I know, I’ll never die of old age.

Redemption of The Bad Pastry Chef

There are plenty of scientists investigating the questions about our planets changing surface. There are Geologists digging for answers about Earthquakes and Volcanoes while the Chemists figure out the formula for future success in managing everything from our outer atmosphere to our inner core. Then come the Biologists and Oceanographers followed by GPS surveyors and Google mappers to the point where the field is so crowded there is barely room left for another analyst from the Scientific perspective. But there is still room for the Crossover Consultant.

There are many examples of the Crossover Consultant making great discoveries by accident while in pursuit of an unrelated solution. Columbus found us before we even knew we were lost, the formula for vulcanizing rubber was from spilling the wrong ingredients and it is well known that penicillin was never the goal when it was first found.

So it turns out that any old Baker can offer vital assistance to those Scientists studying our planet. You might think that only the very best Baker could make this leap but in fact any Good Bakers would never make these discoveries because the genius is in making mistakes. In the end it is only a Bad Baker who can cut the mustard so to speak.

Have you ever opened the oven too soon while a cake is baking and then it “drops”? Well that same thing can happen on global scale leading to a giant earthquake as damaging as a large asteroid. Have you ever seen a pie crust rise too high leaving a large hollow that collapses when you start to cut the first piece? Well that same thing can happen to our plate tectonics with continental consequences. Who else but the Bad Pastry Chef can reveal these mysteries to those science guys?

The Steppes of the Far East? Stacks of pancakes. The Badlands of Montana? Peanut Brittle. The Louisiana Bayou? Chocolate Mouse. The Grand Tetons? Well, they can’t all be kitchen cliché’s.

Forget Hands Across America. All we need to do is get everyone to jump up and down at the junction of the Four Corner states and we can get a brand new Grand Canyon.