Stupid Work Tricks

This was going to be the Top 10 Ways to Win at Work but I couldn’t make it all the way there to 10 and nobody wants a Top 7 so I changed the name instead. Everyone knows how to use the standard excuses at work; “It’s not my fault”, “It’s not my job”, “I tried my best” but these are nothing more than the adult version of “The dog ate my homework.” The modern age requires more sophisticated explanations. Herewith are my favorite selections that are equally suited for any work environment.

Every Minute Spent

One of the favorite work manipulations is to tell people that you don’t have time for them because, “Every minute spent doing (Thing A) is a minute I won’t be able to spend on (Thing B).” Where Thing A is what they are asking for and Thing B is something even more important. There is always something more important, it could be from another department the user knows nothing about or anything the Boss wants on a tight deadline. The “Every Minute Spent” machination is not perfect and can even backfire in certain cases, be sure not to use it on anyone who wears a stopwatch around their neck.

It’s Not Supposed To Do That

I can’t take credit for this one but it works so well I added it to my play list and let it work its way to the top of the charts. I first heard this from the electrician who promised everything would be fine when we put the UPS into bypass mode and then: BANG~! the whole building goes dark and the batteries are not in the loop so all the servers crashed. Anytime something goes wrong you can bet “it’s not supposed to do that”.

Sunspots, Gamma Ray Bursts and Atomic Instabilities

This is the perfect ploy for any problem reported by any user. If they want to discuss this scientific subject your real job is done and if they don’t you still win. It is well established that certain hi-tech equipment is susceptible to damage resulting from sunspots, though it is in practice quite rare and unique but as long as it is ever true it can always be a suspect. Gamma Ray Bursts are less well known and harder to prove while Atomic Instabilities are pure fiction made up on the spot. You always have to be quick on your feet.

Virtual Cloud Security Infrastructure

Blame everything and anything on the virtual cloud security infrastructure. Everybody has one but no one can reveal it so it is therefore the perfect catchall for mysterious events. If you are ever arrested you must remember to ask for a lawyer and if you are ever in an uncomfortable computer situation, you must invoke the Security card. This trumps everything and after that even a lawyer won’t help.

ROI, VPN, ABC, ETC…

Any back-to-back-back three-letter-acronym will immediately hypnotize any human who is still listening. In fact no one ever listens past the second one because they feel the hypnosis coming. It’s still fun to play the game.

Those IT Guys Did Something

Yes, even the people working in the same department are reduced to blaming each other in order to maintain efficiency when all the user really wants is someone to blame. They have been trained to expect nothing more.

At Least No One was Injured

Back on the Railroad injuries were so common that we just happy no one got killed and even that was not always true, but in the hi-tech world all the injuries are of the personality and hardly ever the person.