A Piece Too Far

When the price of Gold hit $2,000 an ounce it was only natural for people to start digging again in the last known hot spot according to the old timers. That’s how I found myself waist deep in the North Fork of the Feather river breaking my own rule by prospecting on my own. I was working under a huge boulder as big as my truck lodged in the gravel bar under the river bank that goes up a steep cliff for thousands of feet. The nearest road is more than three miles away and there is no one is in this area at this spring time of year. The ice cold runoff water is too deep and too cold for anyone but a fool. Everyone knows it’s better to wait until August or later to get down to these low water spots but that was before the price jumped.

Having been there the day before I started out knowing I would be digging in real pay dirt and not just the usual leftover tailings. There were some good sized chunks in my first few pans and I even had to go to my big plastic container to store the nuggets that were too big for my little glass bottle. My personal tradition had always been to keep the biggest nugget of the day in my mouth for good luck but these clunkers were getting harder and harder for me to chew . Then I felt something heavy in my hand as I was loading the pan under water and sure enough I had a beautiful piece as big as my thumb. I put it in my mouth for a minute but it was just too big to manage and I went back with the last little piece.

I was working like a madman after finding that big one and I soon turned caution to the wind as I dug deeper under the edge of the giant piece of stone where it was sitting on top of the bedrock. I was filling my pan from the downstream edge and started out on my hands and knees but soon had to lay down to squeeze into the narrow wedge between the bedrock below and the boulder above. By now I had to hold my head all the way under water to get to my favorite spot. I thought for a minute about going back to the truck for my gas siphoning hose to use as a breathing tube but I promised myself I would only be under for a moment at a time. I was able to load a few more pans with increasing amounts of reward in each one giving me the adrenaline to go back for more when I should have been taking a break and warming up.

It was almost dark, I was dog tired and cold but convinced that I could feel an even bigger piece of gold up there in that last tight spot and by golly, I was going to get it. But as soon as I reached in there something moved and I was stuck. The whole length of my right arm is being squished and my head is under water. At first it seemed funny but the next second was pure panic as I pulled with all my might and only made things worse. I spent a moment yelling at myself about safety and greed but there was no relief in that so I moved on to the reptile response that was appropriate for the situation at hand. As the need to breath reached the breaking point and the water was about to come in there was one moment of clarity and I moved myself around to put both feet flat to give one last push against the rocks and pull my arm free when something gave way, my arm tore free and I was able to breathe again.

Back at the hospital I finally grasped the gravity of the situation. A dislocated shoulder, popped elbow joint, torn tissues and tendons to remind me of what could have been much worse. The worst part of all is knowing that a whole hunk of my hide still resides back there under that rock. You might think a thing like that would cure my condition and the lure of gold would lose its luster for me but I keep thinking about going back someday to get that nugget.

The Last Typewriter Repairman

While attending Trade School in the early ‘90’s I ended up taking an outside job for the one semester when there was no Work-study job for me and I accepted a part time position at a business called Cascade Computers. While they did so some work on computers, the majority of the workers were involved with typewriters. Repairing, maintenance and cleaning typewriters was a big contract that once was a major money maker involving several businesses but they all ended up closing down one by one until only Cascade Computers was left servicing the Typewriter Industry.

At first I was embarrassed to work on the old fashion machines and was longing to work with computers. But once I finally settled down long enough to watch the expert guy put the pulley spring back on the rollers using two long skinny crochet hooks I could tell there was real skill involved. He was able to dig into the guts of that contraption and fix things again with the incredible dexterity. Most computers are quite simple to service but if you have to take apart an electric typewriter there will be lots of parts and pieces.

These were top of the line IBM Selectric Machines that were not like your regular Typewriter. These had a Golf Ball with letters instead of keys and no reaching up to push the carriage back for each line, instead the golf ball moves back and forth. These devices were state of the art in their day but when I got there they were already well on the way to extinction. The thing I remember most about them was the humming noise they made even while unattended that made them sound more like a refrigerator than a computer. And that was nothing compared to the noise they made when the worker started typing.

The job of cleaning these dodo-birds consisted of several steps requiring the use of toxic Chemicals to treat the different kinds of rubber on the rollers and spacers. This only added to the overall discomfort of having to disturb workers in their office to clean the thing and then their eyes would get bigger and bigger when the smell of those chemicals hit their noses. Usually I went by myself to the various places on the list of units to be cleaned. For the big Jobs we would fire up the old van out back and get all the workers together for an assembly line approach.

The funniest part was trying to find the typewriter at most places and then when we finally did find it, it didn’t need cleaning because it hadn’t been used. There were some places that really did need cleaning and then we earned our money but most of the time we felt like the Maytag repairman.

I love to kid around by saying I was also the Last Railroad Gandy Dancer. Sure there are people who still do that same job today but they never heard the songs or felt the thrill of working on the traveling System gangs way back in the last Century . I even go so far as to tell the joke that I will someday be the last computer Systems Analyst but when it comes to the Last Typewriter job, I swear it’s true. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a working Typewriter?

Soonest Cheapest Best

These are the three driving forces of the Business World but the concept applies to all facets of human life. Who doesn’t want the all the best things in life, except when it costs too much or takes too long, which turns out to be most of the time. If it wasn't for Soonest and Cheapest, we could go straight to Best. The only reason we aren't Best yet is because Soonest and Cheapest keep taking priority.

How many times have you had someone request to have something done ASAP. If everything needs to be done as soon as possible then why bother making the request. Have you ever been told to take your time, there is no hurry? No, it is always urgent. Even soon is not soon enough, nor is sooner; it has to be soonest. Soonest is another way of saying we are too busy fighting fires to do any long-term projects. In a disaster incident soonest can't be soon enough but even for long term and low priority projects the steps are broken down into what comes next: soonest.

Cheapest is not a goal, it is just a benchmark to see how much money got wasted. No one wants to be a cheapskate, but everyone wants to save money. No one ever got fired for spending too little. The rule of thumb is to find the cheapest item and then buy the next most expensive one above that. Reciprocally you never want to buy the most expensive of anything, instead buy the one just below. The ones on the bottom and top are always exaggerated in actual value.

Best is nice target to shoot for but it won't be cheapest or soonest. Soonest and Cheapest are the compromises we have been making over and over to end up where we are now. Do we really need Best? Maybe settling for second best is just as logical as buying the one just above cheapest. Best might cost too much. Best might be impossible. Turn's out, you can’t get there from here.

So the approach should be a balance between these three opposing forces: Soonest Cheapest and Best. In the end it turns out that getting the best in life either takes too long or costs too much.

Dead Man’s Curve

As a rookie foreman I was assigned the most remote railroad station out in the middle of the high desert in Northern California. The place was called Ravendale. We had a five man crew working maintenance of way on a 50 mile stretch between Susanville and Alturas. There are few roads so most of the work was done from motor cars running up and down the track. The morning ritual was to have a safety meeting at 7am and then call the dispatcher to get the train schedule for the day. The standard timetable called for one train leaving Alturas at 8am arriving out our work location at 10am. This pattern was rarely missed but sometimes they would send two trains in one day with the first leaving at 6am arriving at our spot around 8am.

After climbing a gentle slope west of Ravendale the tracks wind through the mountains for a few miles and then suddenly approach the sharpest possible curve dropping down the steepest possible grade and there you are looking down on a valley at least a thousand feet below. While the drop is not quite vertical, it would take a mountain goat to keep their feet the slope was so steep. This was Dead Man’s curve. Everyone knew it was so named because of the work train collision that took place back in ‘66 and was still frequent topic of lunch fire conversation when I got there in 1973. There were still a few boxcars laying down at the bottom as a testimonial of what can happen.

Like we had done so many times before we drove out to the worksite put the motor car on the track and headed up the hill toward Dead Man’s curve just before 8am. It’s too noisy to talk and for some reason the figure of “8am” kept running through my mind and I finally grabbed the timetable out of my timebox to confirm my worst fears. The train didn’t LEAVE at 8am, it left at 6am and will ARRIVE here at 8am! The panic on my face is obvious as I slam on the breaks and head back down to the nearest take-off where we clear the car with only a few minutes to spare.

We spent the rest of the day looking for purple bottles in the old abandon Chinese work camps while we all counted our blessings. There were many discussions about how we all need to check the timetable for the day as part of that morning Safety Meeting. The other guys on the gang never said a word or I would have surely got some demerits. I still get panic attacks when I think back about how close we came to meeting that train on Dead Man’s curve.

Word Play

I've been left behind before.

I've turned left behind the store.

Now my left behind is sore.

I’ve got the right o’ way

So clear out, right away.

Lest my lawyer write a way.

I was wrong, by the way

Now you can’t buy the way

I say good bye the way I do.

Oh my sole is oh so sore.

Oh my soul has been here before

I owe my soul to the company store.

Stupid Work Tricks

This was going to be the Top 10 Ways to Win at Work but I couldn’t make it all the way there to 10 and nobody wants a Top 7 so I changed the name instead. Everyone knows how to use the standard excuses at work; “It’s not my fault”, “It’s not my job”, “I tried my best” but these are nothing more than the adult version of “The dog ate my homework.” The modern age requires more sophisticated explanations. Herewith are my favorite selections that are equally suited for any work environment.

Every Minute Spent

One of the favorite work manipulations is to tell people that you don’t have time for them because, “Every minute spent doing (Thing A) is a minute I won’t be able to spend on (Thing B).” Where Thing A is what they are asking for and Thing B is something even more important. There is always something more important, it could be from another department the user knows nothing about or anything the Boss wants on a tight deadline. The “Every Minute Spent” machination is not perfect and can even backfire in certain cases, be sure not to use it on anyone who wears a stopwatch around their neck.

It’s Not Supposed To Do That

I can’t take credit for this one but it works so well I added it to my play list and let it work its way to the top of the charts. I first heard this from the electrician who promised everything would be fine when we put the UPS into bypass mode and then: BANG~! the whole building goes dark and the batteries are not in the loop so all the servers crashed. Anytime something goes wrong you can bet “it’s not supposed to do that”.

Sunspots, Gamma Ray Bursts and Atomic Instabilities

This is the perfect ploy for any problem reported by any user. If they want to discuss this scientific subject your real job is done and if they don’t you still win. It is well established that certain hi-tech equipment is susceptible to damage resulting from sunspots, though it is in practice quite rare and unique but as long as it is ever true it can always be a suspect. Gamma Ray Bursts are less well known and harder to prove while Atomic Instabilities are pure fiction made up on the spot. You always have to be quick on your feet.

Virtual Cloud Security Infrastructure

Blame everything and anything on the virtual cloud security infrastructure. Everybody has one but no one can reveal it so it is therefore the perfect catchall for mysterious events. If you are ever arrested you must remember to ask for a lawyer and if you are ever in an uncomfortable computer situation, you must invoke the Security card. This trumps everything and after that even a lawyer won’t help.

ROI, VPN, ABC, ETC…

Any back-to-back-back three-letter-acronym will immediately hypnotize any human who is still listening. In fact no one ever listens past the second one because they feel the hypnosis coming. It’s still fun to play the game.

Those IT Guys Did Something

Yes, even the people working in the same department are reduced to blaming each other in order to maintain efficiency when all the user really wants is someone to blame. They have been trained to expect nothing more.

At Least No One was Injured

Back on the Railroad injuries were so common that we just happy no one got killed and even that was not always true, but in the hi-tech world all the injuries are of the personality and hardly ever the person.